MR. RIGHT: How To Politely Nuke The Liberals At Your Thanksgiving Dinner

This post is adapted from Mr. Right’s weekly newsletter, which tackles modern manhood for normal guys in a not-normal world. If you have not already subscribed for free, please consider doing so here. If you’d like to drop a note, email us: mrright@dailycaller.com

It’s that time of year … again. 

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, which means, at some point, you are likely to share a hearty meal with someone who disagrees with you on politics. Perhaps a liberal cousin or niece who is back home from their first semester at college. Or Uncle Randall, the hardcore, religious viewer of MSNBC, who might as well have a Ukrainian flag tattooed on his forearm. 

The more glasses of wine are poured and the more light beers are crushed, the higher the chance there will be a political argument. You must be prepared, but you also must keep your wits about you. You do not want to get dragged into an Iraq War-level quagmire at the dinner table. 

However, before I discuss the best strategies for dealing with Uncle Randall or the purple-haired niece who uses “they/them” pronouns, I want to first share an anecdote.

Detroit Lions from left Gus Frerotte (L), Greg Hill, Johnnie Morton and Robert Porcher get to sample FOX TV’s Jon Madden’s surgically altered turkey after their game against the Chicago Bears 25 November 1999 in Pontiac, Michigan. The Lions beat the Bears 21-17. AFP PHOTO/Jeff KOWALSKY (Photo by JEFF KOWALSKY / AFP) (Photo by JEFF KOWALSKY/AFP via Getty Images)

A couple of Thanksgivings ago (at the beginning of the Biden era, mind you, when conservatives were feeling pretty froggy), I had the unpleasant experience of drinking too much and stirring up some political drama.

The details are hazy, but if I recall correctly, I blurted out a few colorful, racy jokes about the Kyle Rittenhouse trial, Nancy Pelosi, and Bill and Hillary Clinton’s ties to pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Although they got some chuckles out of my sister and brother-in-law (and looking back, I seriously doubt they were that funny; we had all had a lot of wine), they also upset some in-law family members. Admittedly, my jokes kinda, sorta, ruined the night.

I awoke on Black Friday filled with regret, yet torn. Did I say something too provocative? Were those offended actually that upset, or was their anger largely driven by a high consumption of alcohol? But at the same time, I was stubborn. I am an American, damn it. The spirit of the First Amendment protects my right to make inappropriate jokes at Thanksgiving dinner. If you cannot handle the heat, best not be mucking around my kitchen of hot-take humor. 

Ultimately, though, my takeaway from the booze-soaked saga was that I was in the wrong for provoking. I was trying to make things too edgy. I was trying to get a laugh out of half the room, not the whole room. I was the one who shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand and triggered the fruitless war. 

So, if not this way, then which way? What is the best strategy for fending off a Thanksgiving political brawl and keeping the holiday peace? 

WASHINGTON, DC – NOVEMBER 21: U.S. President Donald Trump pardons the National Thanksgiving Turkey, ‘Drumstick,’ with National Turkey Federation Chairman Carl Wittenburg and his family in the Rose Garden at the White House November 21, 2017 in Washington, DC. Following the presidential pardon, the 40-pound White Holland breed which was raised by Wittenburg in Minnesota, will then reside at his new home, ‘Gobbler’s Rest,’ at Virginia Tech. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Peace through strength, and no preemptive airstrikes. Don’t start a war; just be able to finish one. 

However, if you do end up ensnared in a heated political debate, and someone like Uncle Randall keeps goading you on, it’s best to keep every response from your end as light as possible. Don’t get too serious. A well-timed joke or witty remark will cut through a drunken and verbose argument like a scythe through grass.

And sometimes, strategic silence is best. Let Uncle Randall hang himself with his own words. If you’re feeling devious, offer to grab him another drink. Keep the drinks flowing, and before long, he will turn into the drunken persona non grata of the holiday feast, and you will have not fired off a single political shot. 

Of course, you never hope it comes to this. As they say, no politics and religion at the dinner table. Just lots of turkey and talk of traffic patterns and the Detroit Lions.