Good to the last customer?

Op-ed views and opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

Maxwell House has joined the ranks of Cracker Barrel, Bud Light, Target, and Jaguar by taking a giant Woke step to destroy its iconic brand and alienate loyal customers.

For the first time in its 133-year history, the storied coffee brand may be down to its “last drop” of goodwill with its name change to “Maxwell Apartment”, albeit temporarily, it says.

Some news outlets report that the firm’s “temporary” name change is a joke, designed to draw attention to the brand. If so, it backfired dramatically. Customers aren’t laughing, they’re confused.

In a statement that could have come right out of the Babylon Bee, the coffee brand, owned by Kraft Heinz, said: “In a time where value matters now more than ever, Americans seek value in areas of their everyday lives, including where they live.” I’m not making this up.

The press release didn’t identify the person who uttered that drivel, but they should probably be fired for drinking on the job.

I’ve never met anyone who bought coffee, tea, beer, soda, or anything else based on: “…value in areas of their everyday lives, including where they live.” Nobody I know understands what that means. I sure don’t. It also doesn’t strike me as funny if it is intended as a joke.

Marketing folks babble mindless mumbo jumbo in their efforts to impress each other, leaving non-marketing coworkers and customers scratching their heads. What I think they are trying to say is that the company is offering a plan to reduce the price of its coffee for folks who live in apartments, because they can’t afford houses. I’m not sure, but I think it’s offering a package deal…buy in bulk and save some dough.

Saying that would be too simple. It would only cost a few bucks and lunch at a local diner. It’s got to sound expensive to impress the corporate suits in an attempt to justify the expense accounts and the marketing agency’s outrageous fees. So they spew a string of gibberish that would make the average person think they are either overcaffeinated or drunker than Cooter Brown.

Meanwhile, back in their Madison Avenue New York skyscraper offices, the marketing agency folks are high-fiving each other and slapping the conference table as they howl with laughter at the gullibility of the Maxwell bumkins who bought the absurd concept and pay their invoices.

Instead of saying: “The more you buy, the cheaper it is” they spout a mind-numbing string of corporate claptrap.

In related news that should be of interest to Maxwell House, or whatever it now calls itself, Cracker Barrel announced it has fired Prophet, the consulting firm behind its massively failed rebrand. Why didn’t the company stuff its clueless CEO, Julie Felss Masino, in the same barrel and roll her out the door too? This pathetic woman approved the fiasco that cost the firm share value, customers, its reputation, and made it the subject of public ridicule.

Maxwell House responded saying: “Hold my beer.”

Negative social media comments already indicate that the company is facing intense backlash after stripping away what people recognized most about the brand – its 133-year-old name. They’ll probably quickly lose sales as customers may no longer recognize the product on store shelves.

These over-caffeinated, clueless clowns learned nothing from other companies that walked the same Woke plank. And if the whole thing is a joke, where’s the punch line?

Cracker Barrel saw more than $140 million disappear from the restaurant chain’s market value, with shares dropping some seven percent. And they didn’t even change its name. Jaguar sales have tanked, Bud Light will never recover its former customer base, and Target can’t “tuck” its rainbow clothing line out of sight fast enough.

When I first read about the new “Maxwell Apartment” name, I was positive I’d been duped by the Babylon Bee, as the proposition is so ludicrous.

However, any sane folks still at the firm still have an opportunity to capitalize on the pratfalls of its clueless communications and marketing departments and have some fun.

If it is going to change its name to attract more customers and be funny at the same time, why not do so, targeting segments of people who live in diverse dwellings? They could create Maxwell Hovel, Maxwell Hut, Maxwell Backseat of My Car, Maxwell Heating Grate, Maxwell Section 8, Shanty, Shelter, Salvation Army, Double Wide, Mom’s Basement, etc.

They could cater to people named Peter whose wives live in pumpkins, old ladies living in shoes, farming families who live in little houses on the prairie, or guys named Jack who built their own houses. The possibilities are limitless.

That’s free advice and it’s on the house….no joke.

Dave Scott spent several years as a daily newspaper reporter in Florida and New York before joining the corporate world and heading up communications activities for IBM, ITT and other Fortune 50 companies in the U.S. and Europe, eventually running his own Atlanta agency. He lives on Amelia Island, FL, and blogs at www.davescottblog.com. He also writes, edits, and publishes the annual Amelia Island News-www.amelianewswrecker.com, a newspaper parody with the tag line “Amelia Island’s sacred cows make the best burgers.”

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