Kemi’s Metamorphosis – Guido Fawkes

Kemi’s recent interview had her saying she’d treated PMQs too much like a lawyer. Now that she understood it to be pantomime, she was on the road to recovery. 

Odd sort of lawyer she’s been – not just badgering the accused but brutalising him. “Will he admit he’s a moron?” And, “Doesn’t he realise that everybody thinks he’s a moron?” And, “Will he admit he made a mistake pretending he’s not a moron?” 

When she told the House just now, “I get better every week,” her opponents howled, her allies cheered, some of us winced. The Principal Boy had forgotten her line and improvised a dud. “I get better every week” is really something you need other people to say. 

Annoyingly, she had made it hard to agree with her. Annoying, because her performance that had been getting slightly worse every week had changed dramatically.  If you’ll allow the overstatement, she burst from her chrysalis and fluttering gorgeous wings made her first appearance as a parliamentarian to be reckoned with. 

What was the difference? 

She had a lucky start when the PM suggested she welcome the two hospitals he was building in her constituency. She said, “Perhaps the Prime Minister knows something I don’t. There’s only one hospital in my constituency.”

She was amused, she was calm, she was correct, she was infuriating. It’s a special skill, and gave all Tories a sudden charge. There were cheers, there was a great cry of relief (phrased as “More!”).

The PM was rattled. He always gets rattled in these situations. He has a lawyer’s horror of being caught in a factual mistake. He has no capacity for being corrected by a woman. It shakes him. We know this by his reaction to her saying, “The deficit is forecast to be £10bn higher since the Budget. In what way are books now balanced?” 

He went into the “wild and whirling” way he has. In the 38 words he used before getting to Liz Truss he traversed interest rate cuts, growth figures for the first quarter, the strategic defence review, local transport’s £15bn, free school meals, Sizewell C and social housing. He seemed actually to be trying to answer the question but gave up the struggle and fell back on Labour’s favourite Chancellor. 

It wasn’t all one way. Like last week, the PM somewhat turned the tables on her, this time by accusing her of a lack of courage. With flashing fingers, jazz hands and confident sweeping gestures LOTO reprised her Moron! stance by calling him “a coward”, using Truss to deflect attention from his own record. 

When baiting an opponent it is essential not to fall for bait oneself. Starmer can take abuse. He is used to abuse. He is a Labour politician. Abuse amuses him. 

Anything Truss-related should prompt a crafted response encapsulating the slow-motion economic catastrophe engineered by Labour (see bond rates).  There is also, as Guido points out, his factual error on China’s condemnation of the Chagos deal. 

The short game is not “to hold the Government to account”. It is to make the Prime Minister’s head blow up. Many of us would pay to watch that pantomime.

So: now that Kemi has found her voice, the next step is finding what to say. 

Keir has evolved in his year as PM, but he remains, in the kinder, gentler phrase, “as God made him.” He’s probably grown as far as he can into his role. He is such a slowly-moving target he is practically asking for it. 

If she can deploy her new confidence to goad him into losing his temper, without herself losing hers, the whole parliamentary game will spring into life. 

Who knows how it will play out?

Angela on the front bench is trialling an even more conspiratorial look with a resting face of darkness – the shadow under her eyes now crepuscular. She rarely looks above waist level at her leader at the despatch box, fixed unsmiling on the PM’s rear end. Perhaps she is lip reading. 

Further along, past the stricken Home Secretary, Wes sits serene and confident, the poor boy. 

When, in a couple of years, the Government is “refreshed”, none of the current candidates jockeying for position will get the job. It’ll go to the PLP’s runaway favourite. 

To Tory joy, Ed Miliband will scoop the premiership on the first ballot. 

Well, it’s worth a £50 flutter before everyone catches on.