Ted Cruz Tells Conservatives To Engage In Sick Act Of Masochism

This article is satire.

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Canadian-born Republican Texas Sen. Ted Cruz encouraged conservatives Sunday to punish themselves and read a 10,000-word, AI-generated slop article “written” by user “Insurrection Barbie.”

The article is titled, “The Long Game and the Conservative Right,” with the tortured sub-headline, “How a Network of Political Catholic Integralists, Russian Ideologues, and Media Provocateurs Are Systematically Dismantling the Evangelical Foundation of the American Right.”

“READ every word of this,” Cruz (or one of his staffers) begged. “It’s the best & most comprehensive explanation of what we’re fighting.”

READ every word of this.

It’s the best & most comprehensive explanation of what we’re fighting. @DefiyantlyFree https://t.co/EYeYBWEM46

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) March 15, 2026

If you have masochistic tendencies like Sen. Cruz, then, by all means, enjoy Insurrection Barbie’s literary tour-de-force. I hear that many Cruz supporters, including the Israeli bot accounts, are calling Insurrection Barbie the greatest and most influential theologian since Saint Thomas Aquinas.

However, before you read, I should point out that her AI model was unable to correctly identify the current pope, Pope Leo.

If you are like me, a 30-second skim through the slop will be sufficient. Even those 30 seconds seemed to me a painful waste of time. It’s so sloppy that, if given the choice between reading Insurrection Barbie’s post and 1,000 pages of U.S. tax code, I would pick the latter. At least it was written by a human.

On a separate note, we all know Cruz cares very deeply about Americans, particularly his constituents in Texas, whom he always puts first over the interests of foreign lobbyists. I was quite frankly stunned that the senator didn’t think about the 8.5 million Catholics living in Texas, who make up 30% of the population, who might take offense to this article. Then again, Ted Cruz’s staffers are the best and brightest this country has to offer, so in all likelihood, this is a 4-D chess move.

For those of us who aren’t Catholic or are relapsed Catholics who could seriously use some good ol’ Roman Popery in their lives, perhaps the greatest offense here is the fact that Cruz recommended a 10,000 X slop article. Seriously, who does that?