The Craziest Safety Warnings in Manuals » The American Spectator | USA News and PoliticsThe American Spectator

A couple of nights ago, we were unpacking some kitchen appliances and gadgets at home. You’d be surprised at the amount of nonsense warnings in manuals these days. “Do not use the pressure cooker for purposes other than intended” is a clear invitation to stick to cooking and not build homemade bombs. “Do not touch the pot with your hands when it’s hot,” they state in bold capitals. “You could get burned!” they clarify afterward, and I appreciate the heads-up because I thought it was to avoid intimidating the pot.

Of all the safety warnings in this pressure cooker’s manual, the most striking one is: “Do not puncture the pressure cooker while it’s cooking.” Sometimes, in the quiet darkness of the night, I wonder which cemetery houses the user who inspired this warning.

I read several user manuals and can’t help but offer some suggestions to manufacturers to prevent worse outcomes. The “safety tips” for my vacuum cleaner shed important light on the habits and intellectual capacities of 21st-century humans: “Never submerge the vacuum cleaner in water.” Given the evidence, they should add: “Remember, your vacuum cleaner is not an effervescent tablet.” Knowing the stubbornness of users, it would make sense to also note: “Do not swallow the vacuum cleaner.” And finally, they’d have no choice but to conclude: “If you’ve decided to swallow the vacuum cleaner, turn it off beforehand.”

Overwhelmed by so many exotic warnings, I reached out to a professional, an expert in manufacturing these kinds of appliances, to ask if he’d ever met a customer who particularly enjoyed dunking their vacuum cleaner in the bathtub or tossing the toaster into the pool. His response left me stunned: “Not one, several. Just last week, a lady complained that her vacuum cleaner wasn’t working well after putting 50 percent of its parts in the dishwasher.” It’s obvious this lady didn’t read the safety warnings for her dishwasher either. Thanks to her, we’ll soon find a new warning in the dishwasher manual: “Do not attempt to place the vacuum cleaner, in whole or in part, in the dishwasher.”

On the other hand, I find the safety warnings for the iron incomplete. “Never leave the appliance unattended while it’s on.” Fair enough. Unless you want to move out and can’t find an excuse. “Remember that your appliance — the iron — emits steam. Never direct the steam at people or animals.” Depends. Maybe you want to get rid of them or, at the very least, iron them. “Do not put cologne, rainwater, or other liquids in the iron’s water tank.” This one’s precise, firm, and creative. I do miss a clarification about oil: the worst way to iron is to put oil instead of water in the iron. I can confirm. I did it once. I was drunk. It was years ago. My clothes still smell like nuggets.

The yogurt maker. You’re probably wondering why I’d want a yogurt maker. I get it. I wonder the same thing. But the fact is, I have one. As in some previous cases, the manual clearly states: “It is not recommended to use the yogurt maker for purposes other than those intended by the manufacturer.” Fine. I’m in a position to add a helpful clarification: no matter how hooked you are on National Geographic documentaries, do not try to use the yogurt maker as an incubator for common chickadee eggs. Don’t get your hopes up. It doesn’t work. Your yogurt maker is definitely not a hen. I’ve tried that too. I was sober. It was years ago.

I’m told that half of these safety warnings come from various existing regulations, and the other half from the experiences of previous users. I don’t know how you see it, but you can’t expect much from a society that submerges vacuum cleaners in water, uses blenders as paper shredders, or tries to dry their parrot in the microwave. You might argue these are exceptions, but I read the newspapers, observe people’s looks and attitudes on the street, and I’m not sure I believe you. We’re crazy. And there are a lot of us.

The microwave, finally, is probably more dangerous than all the previous appliances. Yet it barely comes with safety warnings. But it does include one, sublime: “Before starting the microwave, make sure you’ve placed the food you wish to cook inside.” Marvelous in its essence, but somewhat confusing in its wording. For future versions, I suggest manufacturers write it like this: “To get the most out of your microwave, do not try to heat food by placing it in front of, next to, or on top of the microwave: make an effort to put it inside. You’ll notice the difference.”

We’ll talk another day about the safety warnings for medications. Just reading them makes you feel sick. Whoever writes these manuals and inserts must have a pretty low opinion of the human condition. And as a user, no one’s forcing you to shift all responsibility to the manufacturer. It’s like what Chesterton said — I’m quoting from memory — that to enter a church, you take off your hat, not your brain. Well, the same goes for using appliances at home.

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